Total Divas Recap S1E4: “The ‘Fat’ Twin”
Previously on Total Divas: Jon and Trin had the same fight throughout the entire episode and it drove me insane. Ariane was sick, Nikki was mad at Brie for moving to Phoenix, and Jojo chose wrestling over her boyfriend.
This week’s episode is “The ‘Fat’ Twin” which is truly an awful title because Nikki Bella is far from fat and even if she was, who cares?!? Why are we body shaming? The episode opens in a dramatic fashion with Nikki and Nattie shopping and Nikki deciding that they need to go into a lingerie store so she can get something for John Cena. Nikki also tells Nattie that she needs to get something sexy for TJ, Nattie’s fiance who we have not met yet but is also Tyson Kidd.
Of course, these two start talking about their sex lives in the middle of a store in public. Nattie tells us that her sex life with TJ has been non-existent since TJ’s injury and that he pays more attention to the cats than her. Nikki calls Nattie a sex pot and, folks, it looks like we’re finally getting a Nattie episode. Both women end up picking out an outfit.
Ariane, Trin, Nikki, and Brie have an autograph signing together and Nikki is talking about how much she loves her fake boobs and how they’re worth every penny. She tells Brie that she should’ve gotten some and Ariane is hanging onto every word. Ariane is upset because she thinks she has small boobs and this just screams that we’re getting another Ariane episode. For the entire autograph signing, Nikki is like showing off her boobs and making weird comments to Ariane that come off as totally unnatural and purely for the show. Ariane tells Trin that she’s going to make a consultation appointment and is making Trin go with her. Trin is not thrilled.
We flash to Brie and Bryan in a hotel and Brie is looking in a mirror and thinks that she needs to do a juice cleanse for her SummerSlam photoshoot and that she needs to lose 3 pounds. This is honestly sad because looking at Brie, she is one of the thinnest people I’ve seen in my life and if she really thinks that she needs to lose weight, there are definitely some mental health things going on because I don’t even know how she has weight to lose. Bryan tells her that she doesn’t need to lose any weight and I agree with him.
Meanwhile, at Nattie and TJ’s house, Nattie explains to us that she and TJ have known each other for almost their whole life and they hated each other for a long time but then ended up dating and they’ve been dating for about six years. TJ is watching wrestling because HE IS A WRESTLER and also a trainer and Nattie is mad about it because she thinks that they have enough wrestling in their lives.
I really don’t understand why she’s mad, especially since at this point TJ has a training role and probably needs to watch people wrestle in order to train them and tell them how to improve. Nattie decides to walk into the living room wearing the outfit that she got at the lingerie shop with Nikki. This is hilarious because TJ just asks her “what are you wearing” and then just kind of ignores her. Nikki wants to go to dinner and TJ continues to ignore her while watching wrestling and they just cuddle on the couch.
She is having breakfast with the “newbies” and I cannot believe we are still calling them that. Nikki says that she needs to keep an eye on Eva Marie since she’s competing. Okay, just ignore Jojo, I guess. Nikki talks about her boobs again and then Eva makes a comment that she loves Instagram. Such an odd statement, but okay. Eva then decides to show Nikki’s comments on Instagram where a person says that Nikki is “soooo the fat twin”. I really don’t understand why Eva felt the need to show Nikki that comment. Like it was so far off from the conversation that they were having and I feel she did it just to make Nikki sad which is really messed up.
Eva doesn’t do a whole lot to make herself likable on this show so far. On what I am assuming is the same day, Nikki goes to dinner with Brie and Bryan. Nikki orders dessert and Brie is weirdly passive-aggressive about this. In her confessional, she talks about how Nikki has always been a person who eats whatever she wants whereas Brie has always been a healthy eater. In my opinion, I think it’s great that Nikki can eat whatever she wants and still looks great, but whatever Brie. Brie tells Nikki about the juice cleanse that she wants to do for the SummerSlam photoshoot and challenges Nikki to do the cleanse with her for 20 days. Brie makes a weird comment about how they have to look identical since WWE hired them because they are twins.
Back in Los Angeles, Ariane picks up Trin and Jon Uso for her breast consultation. Trin decides to bring Jon Uso to have a male’s opinion on why Ariane shouldn’t do it, but secretly I think she’s bringing him along because she knows he will save this entire segment. For some reason, Ariane brings her chihuahua to this appointment and as Trin points out, she is dressed like she is going to the club and not to a doctor’s appointment. When Ariane’s dog throws up in the car while Jon is holding her, Ariane is not at all concerned and, once again, Jon Uso’s face says it all.
At the doctor’s office, Trin and Ariane go into the appointment room, and Jon Uso is left waiting in the waiting room. While at the appointment, a random girl rips her shirt off to let Ariane and Trin feel her fake boobs. Trin thinks this is hilarious and goes to grab Jon to bring him to the exam room to see his reaction. When the woman rips her dress off again, Jon immediately covers his face and truly has no idea what he has gotten himself into. Trin makes him touch them and he is so uncomfortable but also so funny. I am so glad that we are back to cool Trin and Jon in this episode.
Jon Uso leaves again and the real doctor comes in to show Ariane sizing. He gives her some implants to take home and wear around to see how she likes the sizing. Ariane immediately starts dancing around the office and being super embarrassed. Trin makes a comment that she really hopes Ariane doesn’t get implants because then she’s gonna have to deal with Ariane being annoying and obnoxious all the time and, honestly, I feel it 100%. I could not imagine having to deal with Ariane on a daily basis in general, especially not if she has fake boobs that she is trying to flaunt.
Back to Brie and Nikki, they are at a juice shop and ordering Go Green Go’s which apparently they are going to have 5 times a day. Nikki isn’t thrilled and thinks the drink tastes like someone’s garden. I’m sorry but just drinking 5 juices a day does not sound healthy to me because how are you getting any nutrients that you need?? But, what do I know? Later on, Nikki is talking about how hungry she is and Brie just pulls two to-go juices out of her purse. It’s truly ridiculous.
Switching gears, TJ and Nattie are out to eat. All anyone ever does on this show is go out to eat, I swear. Nobody can ever just have a normal conversation at home. Nattie wants to get started on planning a wedding and I immediately got terrible flashbacks of the last episode when Trin and Jon fought about planning a wedding for the entire time. Nattie wants a “small” wedding….of 150 people. TJ is baffled by how she considers this a small wedding and would much rather just go to the courthouse to get married since he believes marriage is just a piece of paper. Nattie is willing to compromise and only invites 50 guests. TJ is still not about it.
Trin and Jon Uso are having a nice, relaxing time at a pool when hurricane Ariane comes bouncing in. She has her fake implants in her bikini top and is letting everybody know about it. Jon Uso makes more faces at her and, again, his disdain for her is my favorite part of this entire show. All she has to do is show up and he immediately gets annoyed. Trin gets in the pool and forces Ariane to jump in. When she does, her implants pop out of her bikini and float away. Trin makes a comment that they look like jellyfish and it’s super accurate. Ariane freaks out screaming “my boobies” while Trin laughs at her. Same, Trin.
Back at Nikki’s house, Brie is visiting and for some weird reason goes through Nikki’s garbage and finds a wine bottle and a muffin wrapper. Nikki says that she doesn’t consider wine an alcoholic beverage because it has antioxidants and I need that kind of energy in my life. Brie gets upset and starts throwing a tantrum since Nikki cheated on the cleanse. Brie literally says, “No wonder people call you fat on Twitter, Nicole” and it is SO mean. As Nikki herself points out, she isn’t even fat. Not even close to fat. There is no valid reason for Brie to just attack Nikki like this just because she isn’t as tiny as Brie. It makes Brie come across really bad and really makes me feel for Nikki.
We are now at Ariane’s house and Vincent is there. Again, I swear Vincent looks like a cartoon character. I am also so surprised that his name is not John or Jon or Jonathan. Vincent is almost as annoying as Ariane, so they are truly perfect together. Ariane shows off her implants and the different sizing that she can get and Vincent, of course, chooses the biggest ones. He names her right boob Janice for some reason. After Ariane leaves the room, Vincent is visibly sweating and he wipes it off on a blanket and then smells the blanket. This dude is a weirdo.
Next, we are finally at the Bellas photoshoot for SummerSlam. Brie is still making Nikki feel like crap and still saying weird stuff about how they are twins, so they have to be identical. Nikki gets upset and decides to go to her trailer where Brie follows her. Nikki says that she doesn’t want to talk, but Brie comes into the trailer anyway to talk. She unloads on Brie about how bad Brie is making her feel and honestly, I’m glad. The two make up immediately because of course they do and I don’t think they’re ever not solved an argument in less than 30 seconds.
Brie kind of apologizes, but not really, and says that she is projecting her own insecurities onto Nikki. Okay. They do the photoshoot and everything is totally fine and Brie makes a comment that just because they are twins doesn’t mean that they are clones. Ummmm?!?!?! She spent this entire episode talking about how they MUST be identical because they are twins and now she has changed her stance completely. I really cannot keep up with these two.
We now go back to TJ and Nattie’s story. TJ says that he has a surprise in store for Nattie and doesn’t tell her where they are going. Nattie notices that the neighborhood is getting increasingly “sketchy” and is wondering what is going on. It turns out that TJ is taking them to the courthouse so they can get married and just have it done with. He says that they can have a wedding later, but they can just get the actual marriage part out of the way.
Nattie FREAKS out in the middle of the street and tells TJ he is pathetic, not romantic, and pays more attention to the cats than her. She then storms off in the middle of the “sketchy” neighborhood and tells TJ that she isn’t even getting married to him anymore. First of all, Nattie, girl, TJ drove you here. Where are you going and how are you getting home if you just storm off? You’re the one saying the neighborhood is sketchy, so why are you just wandering around it with absolutely no plan?
Back on TV, Ariane is backstage and wants Miss Sandra to sew her implants into her gear. Hey, remember a couple of episodes ago when Ariane was mad at Sandra and didn’t want her to make their gear anymore? Anyway, Sandra tells Ariane that she absolutely should get fake boobs because her real ones are too small and Trin cannot believe that Sandra is encouraging Ariane. Ariane shows off her gear to the girls in the locker room because of course she does. Nikki says in her confessional that Ariane only wants fake boobs so she can be a fan favorite and she will not succeed. Not quite sure what Nikki’s problem with Ariane is, but go off, Nikki.
Later on, Ariane goes to put her gear on and finds out that one of the implants is missing. She immediately accuses Trin who has nothing to do with it. Ariane says that she can’t go out that night with one of her boobs missing and what perfect timing because right at that moment, some random dude comes into the locker room and tells her and Trin that they are needed for the next segment. She is running around screaming that her boob is gone and then just lays on the floor.
Ariane then decides that she needs to stuff her gear with tissue paper on the other side so that it matches her fake implant. Meanwhile, Nikki and Brie are watching the show backstage and John Cena comes to join them. Brie and Nikki admit that they are the ones who stole the implant because they thought it would be funny. John Cena says that they are mean.
After the match, Nikki shows Ariane the missing implant and tells her that she took it and also starts taking the tissue out of Ariane’s bra. Ariane is mad and Nikki awkwardly hugs her. But, just like all arguments in this show, Ariane immediately gets over it. Ariane then announces to the women’s locker room that she decided not to get implants because she wants to be a role model (??). Ariane spent this ENTIRE episode talking about getting fake boobs and then all it took was one to go missing for her to completely change her mind. Brie is happy that Ariane is not getting implants because of something about women’s empowerment.
Nattie comes home (I’m assuming from work, but who knows it also could’ve been from the sketchy area by the courthouse) and TJ planned a romantic dinner for him and Nattie. Nattie says that it is the most romantic that TJ has ever been. TJ also tells Nattie that he’s not a psychic and he needs to communicate with her if she needs him to do things or if she’s mad at him. They start talking about a wedding again and Nattie mentions a beach wedding.
Apparently, that is all it took for TJ to change his mind about a wedding because now he is on board for a beach wedding. Nattie decides that one of the cats will be the ring bearer. Just like that, the argument is solved and everything is okay again. Arguments on this show end SO fast except for Trin and Jon Uso’s. No, I’m still not over that episode.
NEXT WEEK: “Feuding Funkadactlys” which I hope gives us more meme-worthy Jon Uso’s facial expressions at Ariane.