Total Divas Recap S1E3 “Planet Funk is Funked Up”
Previously on Total Divas: Eva Marie lied about being able to dance and almost got fired by Stephanie McMahon. Eva Marie also had a secret boyfriend named V-neck Jonathan but still flirted with Fandango. Nikki, Brie, John Cena, and Bryan all went on weird couple vacations where Nikki told Brie she will never be able to move out of Aberdeen, Washington and must stay there forever. Oh, and Ariane decided to find a new costume designer for her and Trin.
This week’s episode is “Planet Funk is Funked Up” because that’s something Trinity said at one point. I’m not going to lie to you all, this episode is tough to get through and severely lacks the ridiculousness of the first two episodes, but we’ll get through it. We open this week with Nikki and Brie driving around. They start talking about whether somebody is a “wood-chopper” or a “wood-cutter”. Nikki explains to us that she only cared about soccer in school and therefore has a hard time saying words. Brie says that because they are twins, her and Nikki have their own language and it has severely affected her ability to speak English. I’m not joking, go back and watch it for yourself.
Our next scene shows Brie and Bryan packing up in their hotel room. They decide to video chat their dog, Josie, who just happens to be my favorite character on the entire show. Because they feel bad about Josie always having to go back and forth between Phoenix where Brie’s mom watches her and San Diego, Brie and Bryan decide to just move to Phoenix since it’ll be easier. This shocked me because I seem to remember on the last episode that Nikki was telling Brie that Brie would never be able to leave Aberdeen and would be stuck living there for her entire life. Bryan also seemed to give up his dream of living in his childhood home pretty quick as well. I guess none of that matters anymore and now they are worrying about telling Nikki that they’re moving.
We now check in with Trinity and Jon Uso. They are just hanging out and having a good time and it really makes me want to be friends with them. Jon Uso gets annoyed because Trin isn’t wearing her ring, so she goes and puts it on. He wants her to keep it on, but Trin tells him she has to take it off for work. Jon mentions that they should start planning their wedding and Trin kind of ignores him. A little bit later, Trin and Jon go out to eat and have the same exact conversation about her not wearing her ring and him wanting to set a date for the wedding and her saying that they don’t have time to plan a wedding at the moment.
Trin explains to him that WWE wants the Divas to appear single, so they have her take off her ring. I honestly fully believe that WWE would do this and have this policy, so it’s a wonder that Jon has never heard of it when he works for the same company. Like dude, how do you not know about this? I agree that it’s super messed up, but I’m sure Jon was also aware of this rule for the Divas. I really like Jon and Trin but this episode doesn’t do either of them any favors.
Meanwhile, at the Performance Center, Jojo and Eva Marie are training under the watchful eye of Bill DeMott. Eva Marie basically says that she is jealous of Jojo because Jojo is naturally gifted in the ring and Eva struggles to do the basics. Bill brings Eva to the corner of the ring and starts laying into her about how she’s unsafe in the ring and needs to watch her body and take care of other people. As he’s ranting, Jojo takes a nasty bump from a body slam and hits her head. We find out that Jojo suffered from a concussion, and she is worried about what this means for her training. Are we finally getting a Jojo episode?? She’s already said more words this episode than she has in the first two episodes combined.
Next, we move on to San Diego where Brie and Nikki are at the gym working out and Nikki insists on working out in front of a mirror so she can watch herself. Brie decides that this is the perfect time to tell Nikki that she and Bryan are moving to Phoenix. The funniest part of this interaction is the face that Brie waited until a couple days before moving to tell Nikki. As you can imagine, Nikki is not thrilled about this news and blames the entire move on Bryan. Is nobody going to mention that we literally had an entire episode based around the fact that Brie would have to move to Washington? Nikki is mad because now she has to do the eBay stuff all by herself in San Diego.
The next day, or at least shortly after Brie told Nikki that she was moving, the twins have a meeting with some directors and producers for a film that they’re going to be a part of. Nikki shows up and Brie is nowhere to be found. When Nikki calls Brie, Brie says that she forgot all about it because she got busy with packing. Nikki is furious and accuses Brie of putting moving ahead of her career and says that Bryan should be the one packing while Brie attends her meetings.
Brie says she is on her way. The directors and the producers show up and ask if Brie is always late. Nikki says no and that she is just parking the car which is probably the worst lie she could’ve told and then goes back on her lie and says that she doesn’t know where Brie is, but she should be there soon. Brie shows up and everything is apparently fine. Nikki says that she once knocked Brie out in the womb. Lovely.
We are now at Jojo and Eva Marie’s apartment? Hotel? I’m still not quite sure of their living situation. Jojo’s boyfriend, Sebastian, is at the door and is here to visit Jojo since he is worried about her concussion. I’m just so happy that his name is not Jon/John to be honest. Jojo tells us that Sebastian is her first boyfriend and they have been together for 11 months. This is not going to go well. Also, how funny is it to know that she ends up engaged to Bray Wyatt and they have two kids together? The two goes to the beach and everything seems fine until Jojo tells Sebastian that she needs to go to practice watching the girls, so she doesn’t fall behind. Seems reasonable, right? Not for Sebastian.
He thinks that she should stay back from practice and hang out with him and now isn’t sure if he wants to be with her since she would rather go to practice than hang with him. They start fighting and break up like immediately. The dude has been there for like an hour and they already break up. When V-neck Jonathan showed up for Eva Marie, he proposed within minutes of getting there. What is with these dudes? Why can’t they all just hang out without doing something life-changing? Anyway, Sebastian basically tells Jojo that she needs to choose between wrestling and him.
Next, we go back to the Bellas where they are training with their personal trainer, Markshane. Markshane is an absolute beast and has the twins do pushups on his back. That was really the only thing that stuck out to me about the scene besides Brie trying to tell Nikki that she found a cute townhouse in Phoenix, Nikki replying “sick”, and punching Brie’s gloves way harder than she needed to.
We flash to Trinity and Jon Uso training at the Performance Center with Bill DeMott watching over them. Trin is scared to do a leg drop on Jon Uso and Bill tells her to get over it and that Eva Marie would’ve done it. Ouch. I love how he just throws Eva under the bus for no reason and I also love how that’s all Trin needed to hear to do it.
Bill also tells Trin that if she keeps being indecisive, her segments will get cut. Bill is really mean, and I can absolutely see why WWE ended up firing him. Jon Uso explains that she isn’t in the right head space because they’re arguing about planning a wedding. Here we go again. In their next scene, they are fighting about the wedding again at their house and they both just keep repeating the same thing and I’m honestly so over it.
I miss when Jon Uso was my favorite character because of his open disdain for Ariane. Anyway, the two get in a fight and Trin tells Jon that maybe he should find someone else so Jon packs a tiny suitcase in a record amount of time. There is no way he has everything he needs in that suitcase for an overnight trip somewhere. Jon leaves and smashes a glass on the way out. Trin then sweeps up the glass barefoot. Girl, please put on some shoes for this. Also, no, we are still not done with this fight.
Back in San Diego, Brie and Bryan are packing for their move to Phoenix. For some reason, Brie invites Nikki over to help her pack since Bryan is busy packing to go on the road. Nikki basically complains the entire time and is just sitting in the bed while Brie and Bryan pack. Brie is trying to wrap up a stack of rocks with bubble wrap. You read that correctly.
Bryan and Brie take years to wrap the stack of rocks and I can honestly see why Nikki is annoyed. Brie tells Nikki to just leave if she’s “just going to sit there and be a bitch”. As you can imagine, this doesn’t sit well with Nikki, and she blows up on both of them and tells them she hates them and thinks it’s pathetic that they’re moving because of a dog. She again reiterates how she is going to have to do everything in San Diego by herself. Man, that eBay business must be booming.
Later on, Nikki and John Cena are driving around, and Nikki tells John Cena that she yelled at Brie and Bryan and told them that she hated them. John Cena then turns into a therapist and tells Nikki why she is acting the way she is and why she has such a problem with Brie and Bryan moving. John Cena says that Bryan is a good guy and has good intentions and she shouldn’t be mean to him. Nikki agrees with everything that John Cena says and apparently all is fine again, and she isn’t mad anymore. I feel like John Cena chose the wrong profession.
We now go back to the Performance Center where Eva Marie is training and Jojo is looking on because of her concussion. Nattie shows up for the first time in this episode and starts talking to Jojo. Jojo spills everything that happened between her and Sebastian to Nattie and Nattie basically tells her that she needs to get it together and that Jojo and Sebastian probably won’t last as long as she’s part of the WWE and Jojo runs out crying. Mother Nattie chases after her and they hug and talk more about the situation. And that’s it. I wish I had more closure for you.
The show now takes us backstage at a TV event. Nikki apologized to Brie briefly and apparently everything is fine again. Trin sees the twins and Nattie and immediately starts telling them about her issues with Jon Uso. Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand opening up to your friends and keeping them in the loop, but this is insane to me. Trin barely sees the girls and just immediately starts talking about how her and Jon Uso are fighting and how she hasn’t seen him since he left the house.
It’s really kind of weird and I can’t wait until this episode is done because I’m so sick of hearing about Trin and Jon Uso’s argument. Things are about to pick up though because we get our first Ariane sighting of the entire episode. In under 30 seconds, Ariane makes an impression and turns the whole episode around. She has been sick for a week with tonsillitis, and she also graciously tells us that she has a UTI and a yeast infection. Lovely. This woman truly does not care that there are cameras around. Jane apparently told Ariane that she still had to come to work even though Ariane says she’s basically dying. Pre-covid times were wild.
Trin and Ariane find out from Mark that they have a match against the Usos and the Bellas and they are both upset for different reasons. Trin is mad because she’s never worked against Jon Uso before and, of course, they finally work against each other when they’re fighting and not talking. Ariane is mad that she has to work a match when she feels terrible because in case you didn’t know, she is sick. Mark does not care about any of this and basically tells them “too bad” and makes them do the match. Mark is the worst.
During the match, Nikki is all over Jon Uso to antagonize Trin and Trin really is not about it even though it’s all in character. Thankfully, we have Jojo and Eva Marie watching the match at ringside and commentating for us. We find out from Eva Marie that “Trin is pissed”. Thanks, Eva. Trin and Jon Uso have a staredown during the match and Trin ends up hitting Jon Uso with a hurricarana which Trin tells us is a big no-no because in mixed tag matches, the men and women aren’t supposed to touch. Jon Uso sits in the corner and yells “what did you do that for?” as if it’s not a wrestling match.
After the match, Jojo was apparently so inspired by Planet Funk vs. the Usos and the Bellas that she decides she is going to leave Sebastian and continue wrestling. I thought they had already decided to break up, but this incredible match just confirmed her decision apparently. Goodbye, Sebastian. You lasted for a new record of one episode. Meanwhile, Trin tells Ariane about her and Jon Uso’s ongoing fight. I AM SO SICK OF HEARING ABOUT THIS FIGHT.
Ariane acts as a therapist and Trin reveals that she has unresolved trauma from a past relationship where she was cheated on and that makes her struggle with getting married. Cool, you could’ve just told Jon Uso, your fiancé, about this and saved us all the time. Trin goes and talks to Jon in the middle of catering and explains why she is scared of marriage. They make up and Trin calls Jon Uso a chicken nugget. And that’s the episode.
NEXT WEEK: “The ‘Fat’ Twin”. I already hate this episode’s title. I’m hoping that Trin and Jon Uso go back to the fun couple that I want to hang out with, and I hope Jon Uso goes back to making faces at Ariane.